10 Steps to Take to Tell Your Partner You’re Unhappy

Relationships aren’t always going to be fine and dandy 100% of the time. When you need to voice your concerns, here’s how you should go about it. By Danielle Anne Suleik

When a person realizes that he or she is no longer happy in a relationship, they will start to think of ways in order to fix the problem. When they can’t do it on their own, they will turn to their partner and voice out their concerns. As easy as that sounds, not many people use that option.

A lot of times, people allow the relationship to deteriorate to the point of no return, just because they were too afraid to tell their partner that they were unhappy in the first place. [Read:16 signs you’re settling in an unhappy relationship]

Why are people afraid to talk to their partner?

A person can become unhappy in a relationship for a number of reasons. It differs from person to person and can be caused by different circumstances. When you arrive at a point where you realize that you can’t find the joy in your relationship anymore, you start to think about why it’s happening.

When you realize that you can’t fix it by yourself, you start to question whether the relationship is going to survive. This is the time when you’re supposed to talk to your partner and tell them how you’re feeling.

Many people refuse to talk about their feelings not because they’re afraid. It’s usually because they feel confused and don’t know how to handle the situation. It’s not just about what they want. Once they start to air out their concerns, it will become a problem for both of them.

The consequences of speaking up

Although it’s helpful to talk about your problems, telling your partner that you are dissatisfied with your relationship can be very emotionally taxing. Some people refuse to tell their partner their feelings because they fear that they might hurt them. Others will try to push it aside thinking that the problem might go away on its own.

Most of these doubts come from their assumptions about what will happen once they tell their partner the truth. It’s understandable that their partner will feel hurt or even lash out once the reality of the situation hits them.

Sometimes knowing what exactly will happen can be scarier than not knowing at all. Are you capable of telling the truth no matter how much it might hurt your partner? Are you prepared to face the 

consequences in case they decide to break up with you after you tell them?

So many things can happen once the subject of your connection and happiness is questioned. It all depends on what you want to do with this information. Do you want to tell your partner you’re unhappy so you can fix it? Or do you want to tell them because you want some space? Before you decide to tell them how you feel, you have to think about what you want in the long run.

There’s no easy way to tell your loved one that you are not happy. The point of being in a relationship is to be with another person for the sole purpose of growing together and enjoying the moments you have together.

How to tell your partner that you’re unhappy

If the set-up is making you unhappy, then there is definitely something wrong with your connection to your partner. The only way you can fix it is by telling your partner how you feel and what you want to do about it. This will give them the chance to think about what they want as well and whether they feel the same way you do.

#1 Think about why you’re unhappy. Before telling your partner that you are having some doubts about the state of your relationship, consider first why you feel this way. You can’t just tell them that you suddenly started feeling disconnected from them. You have to assess your own feelings so that you can process it together. [Read: How to deal with loneliness in a relationship]

#2 Think of what you’re going to say. Don’t just present the problem to your partner and wing it. When you just blurt it out, your partner may not completely understand what you want to accomplish. If there’s any misunderstanding, the situation will be that much harder to fix. [Read: 5 tips for choosing the right words to talk to your partner]

#3 Prepare yourself for anything that can happen. Your partner may cry, get angry or even hurt you with their words. Finding out that the person you love is no longer happy can be very painful. Rational thinking might get thrown out the window because both your emotions are on overdrive.

#4 Be the bigger person. No matter what happens, don’t get baited into a fight. This conversation needs to happen and its purpose is to be honest with your partner. It is not meant to put the blame on anyone because you are both responsible for the relationship’s success. Be calm and explain yourself clearly. Don’t use harsh words and always be mindful of your partner’s feelings. [Read: 23 dos and don’ts of relationship arguments]

#5 Don’t leave anything out. Once your partner starts to get emotional, you might find yourself reluctant to say anything else. That’s a bad idea because not discussing the problem would mean that you caused your partner unnecessary pain. You started it, so you better finish it.

#6 Ask your partner what they want to do. Although you have your own views on how things should progress, you need to ask your partner what they want. Respect whatever it is they need. They may choose to end the relationship or work harder at it. Either way, you need to discuss it thoroughly before taking matters into your own hands.

#7 Tell them what you want. It’s a two-way street. The reason that you’re unhappy is because you want something that isn’t there. It could be affection, sex, more time together, more time apart or just about anything. If you don’t want to break up and they do, make them see that it’s not the solution you’re hoping for. If you want to break up and they don’t, make them understand why it’s better that way.

#8 Get closure. Don’t let the fight drag on for days or months. Make sure that you said everything that you needed to say. Allow them to tell you how they feel as well. If they need more time, give it to them. Just don’t let the issue die down without being resolved. Sweeping the problem under the rug gives it a potential to haunt you again in the future.

#9 Check on your partner. After talking about it, always check to see how your partner is doing. See if they are taking it well or if they’re starting to formulate new solutions. Remember that their happiness is at stake too.

#10 Review your relationship. If you chose to find a way to be happy again with your partner, observe the changes in your relationship. See if your discussion has helped in improving your feelings and connection. If nothing changes, you may need to discuss it again. If that fails, you may need to consider fixing the problem while you’re apart.

How to Satisfy a Woman in Bed and Make Sex Exciting

Want to keep your sex life on a high all the time? Use these 15 tips on how to satisfy a woman in bed and you’ll know what it takes to keep it exciting. By Francesca Marie

Satisfying a woman in bed isn’t an art.

All it takes is a deeper understanding of your partner and her needs.

As long as you put your partner’s sexual needs ahead of yours, and remember to keep sex fresh, your sex life will stay exciting and alive for a long time to come.

[Read: How to get a girl horny just by sitting next to her]

How to satisfy a woman in bed

You may have heard this before, but the most powerful sexual organ humans have isn’t in our underpants. It’s in our head.

More than anything else in your body, it’s your brain that plays the most important role in great sex.

If your mind is convinced that you’re having awesome sex, big chances are, every other part of your body will follow suit too.

To truly have amazing sex and satisfy your woman in bed, you need to learn to make her mind enjoy the things you do in bed.

Get that right, and she’ll surely be satisfied and more.

Emotional and sexual satisfaction

Sexual satisfaction depends a lot on emotional intimacy.

After all, two people can get together and have great sex for a while. But very soon, boredom will set in and the excitement of passionate sex will start to dwindle and fizzle in no time.

But if you know how to satisfy a girl emotionally, you’ll build a better relationship that’s emotionally stronger and make sex feel a lot more intimate and better in the long term. Read the introduction on how to please a woman emotionally and sexually to build a better emotional relationship before using these sexual tips.

How to satisfy a woman in bed in 15 ways

Men get sexually aroused extremely fast and can lose the erection really fast too. But a woman, she 

takes her time to get aroused, and when she does get aroused, she stays aroused for a long time.

Use these 15 tips to satisfy a woman in bed and make her want more of you, even if you’ve been in the same relationship for a very long time.

#1 Go down on her. If all else fails, this usually succeeds. If you’re having a hard time getting your woman warmed up for the act, just go down on her and spend a gentle while down there. Almost always, this would help build the momentum for a great night ahead.

#2 Take time during foreplay. Most men hurry the foreplay bit without any consideration for the woman they’re with. Just because you’re up and ready doesn’t mean your woman is ready too. Take your time before penetration, and both of you will enjoy sex a lot more. [Read: 20 easy ways to keep an erection up for longer]

#3 Remember her erogenous zones. The typical erogenous zones in a woman are several, going from the back of her neck, her ears, and all the way to her knees and her toes. But each woman has a few special sweet spots that switch the button on instantly.

Kiss and nibble the entire length of her body and make sure you remember the zones that excite her more than the others. It’ll always come in handy the next time you want to arouse her faster.

#4 Don’t roll over and sleep. Falling asleep immediately after sex is a good sign because it means you’re secure enough in the relationship to just enjoy the relaxing after-sex sensation without having to worry about awkward moments. [Read: The art of perfect romantic pillow talking]

But there’s a thin line between being secure and taking your woman for granted. Cuddle up after sex or indulge in pillow talk for a while. Or just fall asleep in each other’s arms.

#5 Your hygiene matters. Looking good for your woman makes a huge difference in the experience she has in bed. After all, a better looking partner is more of a turn on, isn’t it? But you need to remember that looking good doesn’t just mean a six pack abs.

Have a shower if you’re making love at the end of a long day, and keep all those hairy regions clean and trimmed. Smell great and feel great in bed, and your woman will definitely have a hard time keeping her hands off of you!

#6 Kiss and tell. Women have an active imagination and tend to rely on feelings more than visual appearances. If you want to turn your woman on and satisfy her in bed, arouse her mind by using the right words. Whisper sweet nothings in her ears or talk about her favorite fantasies. As long as you excite her mind with your seductive words, she’ll have an orgasm that’ll grip you hard down there. [Read: How to talk dirty with your woman and arouse her instantly]

#7 Don’t be selfish. If you want to know how to satisfy a woman in bed, this is as simple as it gets. Put your woman’s needs in bed before yours. Understand her preferences in bed, be it about the dim lighting or the right side of the bed, and make sure she’s feeling comfortable enough to enjoy having sex without any insecurities or awkwardness. [Read: How to arrange your room and make it a sex bedroom]

#8 Experiment all the time. The most boring of sexual relationships are the ones where the couples just do the missionary and don’t experiment at all, be it about positions or about dirty conversations. If you want to do more than just satisfy your woman in bed, try new things all the time. If you feel like a particular sex fantasy or a particular position is starting to get monotonous, freshen things up by trying something new.

#9 The right compliments. Women love appreciation in bed. It makes them shed their inhibitions more easily and gets them to experiment in bed sooner. When you’re naked in bed with your woman and find something fascinating about her, make sure you share the thought with your woman. She’ll feel better about herself and her new sexual confidence will definitely lead to better sex.

#10 Trigger zones and fantasies. Do you have any fantasies that make you hard as soon as you think about it? Well, girls have their own trigger fantasies too. For some girls, it’s a sexual fantasy while for others, it may be an erogenous zone.

Speak to your woman and find out what turns her on instantly. It’ll play a big part in turning her on, and at times, it can help her orgasm sooner when you can’t hold on for too long. [Read: Top 10 sexual fantasies that girls love thinking about]

#11 Play with her body.  Just because you’re inside of her doesn’t mean you should stop focusing on the rest of her. Play with her body and move your hands all over her. Massage her, stroke her and grab her all over. It’ll turn your girl on a lot more than just focusing on the missionary.

#12 Refresh sex all the time. The primary reason why sex starts to get boring is because it can get rather repetitive after a while. The typical foreplay-followed-by-missionary-position sex may be the most comfortable of all positions and it may feel intimate too, but every now and then, try something new just to bring a change into your bedroom.

Try role playing, dirty talking or a few sexy games in bed. Just when sex starts to get predictable, bring an interesting twist into it. By refreshing sex all the time, you can make each time you make love with your woman feel like a one night stand! [Read: Top 50 kinky ideas for a really sexy relationship]

#13 Bite, lick and suck. Kissing is sensual and romantic. But don’t stop there. Let her feel your passion when you bite her and tongue her body. And here’s something to remember, a good love bite in the strategic regions will still feel just as passionate to a woman even after several years of going out with each other.

#14 Be outrageous. Sex gets sexier the more wild and outrageous it feels. If you want to satisfy your woman, learn to get risqué with your actions. Do something bold now and then, and sex will feel a lot more exciting. Have sex near an open window, use blindfolds, grope each other on a dark dance floor… The wilder your thoughts and actions, the sexier the sex will be. [Read: Dirty public flashing confessions to arouse your mind]

#15 Her orgasm first. The last tip to satisfy your woman is only the most important one. The perfect orgasm is the high point of lovemaking. And if you orgasm before her, it’s almost certain that she’ll have to make do without an orgasm. Control your erection better and learn to hold on for longer, so you can satisfy your woman completely before you orgasm.

[Read: 20 tips to last really long in bed all the time]

Keeping a woman happy sexually isn’t really hard, just as long as you remember these 15 tips on how to satisfy a woman in bed. Remember these and your girl will definitely be more than just happy with your bedroom capabilities.

Don’t Let Your Head Attack Your Heart The heart is an easy target of the mind.

I had been planning a dinner party for weeks. There were twenty people coming, some family, some friends, to celebrate my wife Eleanor’s birthday. I designed a ritual for her: my goal was to create a space where people spoke from their hearts in a way they don’t usually do.

I prepared questions I wanted us to explore together, questions like: What do you feel grateful for in your life? What new things do you feel are struggling to grow and be born in you? What do you want to let go of, so that the new can be born?

Before I go any further, pause for a second, imagine yourself at the dinner, and notice your own reaction to those questions. Are you rolling your eyes at the touchy-feeliness of them or do they excite you? Would the answers you shared be superficial or deep?

I was excited and nervous as I introduced the initial question. I shared from my heart. Then, one person, David*, made a joke. It was light fun, but it was directed at my response and felt biting. Others laughed and chimed in. Then more jokes. I tried to keep the focus of the group but I failed.

I had been so excited and now I just felt sad, angry, vulnerable, and disappointed.

This is what I discovered that night: The heart is an easy target of the mind.

I was asking questions of the heart, and the mind fought back. We are trained and rewarded, in schools and in organizations, to lead with a fast, witty, and critical mind. And it serves us well. The mind can be logical, clear, incisive, and powerful. It perceives, positions, politics, and protects. One of its many talents is to defend us from emotional vulnerability, which it does, at times, with jokes and quick repartee.

The heart, on the other hand, has no comebacks, no quips. Gentle, slow, and unprotected, an open heart is easily attacked, especially by a frightened mind. And feelings scare the mind.

Why are feelings so scary? I asked my friend and colleague, Jessica Gelson, a traditionally trained psychotherapist who specializes in body-based techniques to help people unblock their feelings.

“People are afraid of feelings for the same reason people are afraid of ghosts,” Jessica told me. “You can’t see them. You can’t put them in a box. And you can’t really control them.”

Most of us are never taught how to experience and understand our feelings. And since our mind hates things it doesn’t know, it reacts like a guard fending off an attack.

But why is that bad? Why not just rely on your agile and capable mind instead of exposing your heart, especially in a business or professional environment?

Because our hearts are the source of our real power.

The heart is how we connect with others. It’s how we engender trust. It’s the heart — both ours and theirs — that makes people want to follow us and throw everything they’ve got into making something successful. People follow leaders who show competence and warmth, head and heart. And there is a growing body of evidence that suggests we should start with the heart.

It takes tremendous courage to lead. And it takes even more courage to lead with heart. But that’s whatleadership call us to do. Mostly, when people want to develop their leadership, they try to learn more about what to do. Which is precisely why most leadership programs fail. Because the hard part about leadership isn’t knowing what to do, it’s having the courage to do it.

Are you willing to experience the discomfort of speaking from your heart? Yes, it’s a risk. But a risk whose payoff includes the commitment, loyalty, and passion of the people around you.

Now, think back to how you answered the question at the beginning. Was your instinct to protect yourself and your open heart? Would you have resisted answering those questions honestly and openly? How can we be more emotionally courageous in those situations, both as the listener and the speaker?

1. Notice. Notice when your head wants to protect your heart. Notice how you might use humor to avoid feeling something. I am now aware that I do this myself. Honestly, I like the positive attention I get when people laugh. But I’m now sensitive to the cost. How it shuts me – and other people – down. When your instinct is to make a joke, see if you can pause without saying anything and notice what you feel.

2. Take risks. Taking risks builds your emotional courage. And you don’t even need to take big, emotional risks. Maybe your risk is speaking up in a meeting, or not speaking up, or asking about someone’s day, or giving someone feedback. Courage begets courage. The more you take even small emotional risks, the more you’ll be willing to show up authentically in all areas of your life. You’ll have a chance to practice this, right here, in a moment.

At Eleanor’s birthday dinner, I wavered. But, once I realized it, I saw it as an important opportunity to practice emotional courage. My risk was to call David, the person who first started the joking, and tell him that it felt hurtful. Without attacking him, I shared my disappointment and sadness.

He was defensive at first, but soon we engaged in a deep and real conversation about his discomfort and how hard it was for him to share his feelings at the dinner. We both learned some important lessons and felt closer after that call.

I’m still interested in how people choose to answer the questions I asked at that dinner party. I’d love to see your responses in the comments, if you feel comfortable sharing them. What do you feel gratitude for in your life? What new things do you feel are struggling to grow and be born in you? What do you want to let go of, so that the new can be born?

Sexual Compatibility: The Importance to Your Satisfaction

Folk wisdom gives us mixed-messages when it comes to compatibility. We hear phrases like "birds of a feather flock together" telling us we need to be compatible with a partner in order to be successful. Then we hear contradictory phrases like "opposites attract" telling us we need not be similar to our partner, but rather different for relational success.  

Although compatibility isn't necessarily a synonym to similarity, they are certainly in the same family.

Perceived sexual compatibility is defined as the extent to which a couple perceives they share sexual beliefs, preferences, desires, and needs with their partner. Another form of sexual compatibility is the extent to which similarities exist between actual turn ons and turn offs for each partner emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally.

Perceiving sexual compatibility with a partner has been shown to be related to sexual satisfaction, such that the more sexually compatible you are, the more sexually satisfied you are. And researchers have consistently found that sexual satisfaction is also significantly positively related to relationship satisfaction; when one increases (or decreases), the other tends to follow.

Considering the extent to which sexual compatibility contributes to satisfaction in our relationships, it is somewhat surprising there isn't more research on the topic.

The majority of the research in this area has examined perceived sexual compatibility and it has been found to be related to sexual satisfaction as I mentioned above, but also communication, sexual desire, and sexual functioning, among others.

Despite this focus on perceived sexual compatibility in current research, researchers as early as Ellis in 1953 suggested that one of the main sources of sexual incompatibility were inconsistent preferences for specific sex acts between partners.

So what about compatibility of turn ons and turn offs? It may matter when it comes to being sexually compatible with your partner, as Ellis suggested. If one of you always wants sex with the lights on but one of you always wants sex with the lights off, it may impact your compatibility and perhaps also your satisfaction.

However, research that I've conducted with colleagues at University of Guelph found that perceived compatibility was a more important predictor of both sexual and relationship satisfaction than compatibility of turn ons and turn offs. Regardless of whether you like to engage in the same sexual behaviors as your partner, as long as you perceive that you are compatible, you'll be sexually and relationally satisfied.

This focus on perception isn't new. Some argue that the perception of a situation is the reality of the situation, regardless of how it may seem to others.

Also, perception isn't just important in terms of sexual compatibility and its predictive ability of sexual satisfaction. Gottman has suggested that perception ofpersonality differences, not actual personality differences, is a key component for its predictive ability of relationship satisfaction. Gottman has also found that it is only when a relationship isn't going very well that partners perceive their partner's personality is to blame.

Perhaps it is only when the sexual side of a relationship isn't going very well that partners perceive they aren't sexually compatible with their partner in terms of their behavioral preferences.

So if you meet someone new, and after discussing what you do and don't like in the bedroom you find some inconsistencies, don't cut and run too fast! Providing you can perceive yourselves to be sexually compatible, the compatibility of your turn ons and turn offs don't matter much to satisfaction.

9 Signs the person you’re dating now is your soulmate (Must See)

Mention the word “soulmate” to a group of people and you’re bound to get a few eye rolls. The idea that there’s one magical person for you who you’ll fall in love with instantly and never disagree with is just not realistic.

What does exist — at least for many people — is a person who you know instinctively, who you connect with on the deepest level and who allows you to grow as a person within the relationship. When that person is a romantic partner, you’ve come across something truly special.

So how do you know when you’ve found The One? Below, a team of love and relationship experts identify the most telling signs.

1. You communicate without speaking.

Soulmates can read each other like an open book. “They connect fervently on every level of being,” clinical psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Carmen Harra told The Huffington Post. “One may finish the other’s sentences, they may pick up the phone to call each other simultaneously, or feel like they simply can’t be without their partner.”

Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and author of Love Sense, said that a soulmate also knows how to respond to your emotional signals. “They stay close when you confide, give you their full attention and move in to answer to your needs, touching your hand when you are a little unsure, beaming and hugging you when you are glad, and tenderly comforting you when you are in pain,” she added.

2. You know in your gut that you’ve found The One.

The old adage “When you know, you know” rings true when it comes to a soulmate connection. “There really is no guessing or wondering when the real thing comes along,” wedding officiant and author Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway told The Huffington Post. “There is usually a telltale sign that lets you know when true love has arrived -– a voice in your head, a sense of recognition or a gut feeling that this is someone special to you.”

3. The physical chemistry is palpable…

…and the electricity that you feel doesn’t just happen on a sexual level. “Holding the hand of your soulmate throws your spirit into a whirlwind, even many years into the relationship,” Harra said.

4. You’ve been totally comfortable around each other since day one.

Soulmates connect with ease right off the bat and let their true colors show without fear of judgment. “Soulmates often feel a sense of the familiar and a sense of comfort around each other,” Brockway said. “Many people say it’s easier to relax into that person and allow themselves to be vulnerable.”

“It is the one who opens up to you –- who lets you in, so you can see them,” Johnson added. “This is the kind of person who takes risks and shares about their inner world, their emotions and their needs.”

5. But the relationship isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. He or she challenges you like no one else can.

The soulmate relationship, despite what people might assume, isn’t always smooth sailing. “A soulmate isn’t always wrapped in the perfect package, physically or in terms of life circumstances — nor does it mean that the relationship will come without challenge,” author Kailen Rosenberg of matchmaking firm The Love Architects said. “Yet, the difference is that the life circumstances and the difficult challenges are a strengthening power that becomes the glue that keeps you together through the difficult times and helps each of you become your most authentic self.”

What’s more, we rely on our soulmates to help us evolve as people. “You might find a soulmate relationship to be rocky, and that your partner is someone who pushes your buttons and aggravates you at first because they bring with them some of the more difficult lessons for the soul,” Brockway said.

6. You may not see eye-to-eye on every little thing, but you’re on the same page where it really matters.

“A soulmate relationship doesn’t necessarily mean both partners always share the same views, but that their overall goals and ambitions match,” Harra said. “More diminutive opinions will differ, but soulmates generally have the same virtues and values and see the world through a similar lens.”

7. The relationship brings both partners a sense of inner calm.

It’s obvious when you’re with the wrong person; you are insecure about the relationship and worry that one false move will turn your partner off. That’s not the case for soulmates.

“You feel confident that your partner is with you for the long haul,” dating expert Tracey Steinberg, author of Flirt For Fun & Meet The One said. “No matter what happens in your lives, you both agree that you are teammates and in it together.” She continued, “Your inner voice tells you that you are in a healthy relationship. You trust each other, feel confident and comfortable around each other and feel safe discussing challenging topics in a mature way.”

8. You and your partner have separate identities, but you face the world as one.

“Soulmates recognize that they are two parts of the same whole, and no outside influence or external matter can break that bond,” Harra said.

9. You may have known each other for years, but you suddenly find yourselves ready for love at the same time.

When it comes to true love, timing is everything. “I have married so many couples who met in high school or in their twenties, maybe dated, broke up, moved on, or hung out around the same circle of friends and never connected,” Brockway told The Huffington Post. “Then one day, they run into each other again, sometimes in magical ways, and love blooms.” Keep an open mind and an open heart so that when your soulmate comes knocking, you’re ready to answer the door.

Sexual Styles that Don't Match

Sexual Styles that Don't Match

Are you a once-a-week person, while your partner is wanting it three times a day? Does the difference in your sex drives cause problems in your relationship? A good sexual relationship is one that is gratifying to both partners ... and Dr. Phil has some advice to get you there:

If your sexual relationship is not living up to your needs, stop complaining and start asking for what you want. This means you first need to look within to identify your needs. When you communicate, be specific.

Do you really know what your partner wants? Find out. Maybe you and your partner are not as far apart as you think. Talk about things when you are both calm and rational. Don't blame each other; talk openly.

Relationships are about negotiation and compromise — and it never stops. Carve out time. Negotiate a plan that works for both of you. Behave your way to success. If you agreed to a plan and it's no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. Negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.

Don't base a relationship on sex. You need love, compassion and caring — and then sex can be a reflection of that. Don't think of it in either/or terms: You can cuddle when it's time for that, have an active sex life as well, and have tremendous love and respect for each other throughout.

Different people have a different language of love. For example, a lot of guys think, "I mowed the yard. Doesn't that say I love you?" Are you speaking a language that your partner understands?

Look at your emotional needs because they affect your sexual relationship as well.

What sexual baggage did you bring to the relationship? For example, if sex defined previous relationships that failed, you may be reluctant to get too sexually active in a new relationship. Look at your history and learn from it.

Don't use sex for the wrong reasons, and burden it or load it up with too much meaning. For example, it shouldn't be a way to validate your partner. It should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other person.

What kind of excuses are you making? If it's that your daughter is going to walk in, "put a cowbell on her," says Dr. Phil. It's OK to lock the door and tell your kids not to disturb Mom and Dad.

Remember that quality, not quantity, is the most important factor.

The choices you make have consequences. For example, if you choose to work, go to school and have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Change your behavior and decisions if you want different consequences. Try delegating responsibility if you're too exhausted or over-worked for sex.

The quality of a relationship depends on how well it meets the needs of those involved. Consider your partner's needs as legitimate, and look at how you can meet those needs. Don't label your partner as being wrong or having something wrong with him/her because that dismisses the issue.

Ask yourself or your partner: Are you really too tired? Or are you just tired of him/her?

Are you getting him/her in the mood? If your version of foreplay is "Honey, brace yourself," you may want to try doing things differently. You may need to work a little harder to motivate, inspire, seduce or attract your partner. If your wife is exhausted from a busy day of chasing kids around, try to do some things that will decompress her. Run a bath and let her relax while you put the kids to bed.  Even the smallest gesture can seem romantic to your partner.

Talk to your doctor for more information about whether biochemical and hormonal factors can be contributing to a low or high sex drive. 

How to Spot a Potential Abuser

How to Spot a Potential Abuser

If you’re afraid that you or someone you love may be getting into an abusive situation, Dr. Phil gives some signs to look for: 

• Excessive and quick commitment to relationships
• Isolation
• Extremely possessive and jealous, confused with love
• Control of all money
• Name-calling and demeaning
• Threats against you, your children or of suicide for failure to comply (emotional extortion)
• Exhibits cruelty to animals or children
• Takes away choices such as food, fashion, social life
• Chauvinistic
• Excessive monitoring
• Dominating time
• Extreme sense of entitlement
• Blames the victim (“They made me do it”)
• Insecure but presents a false sense of superiority
• Lack of empathy
• Hypersensitivity and victim mentality
• Extreme controlling behavior early on disguised as concern for safety
• Presents dual personalities
• Poor communication skills
• Has unrealistic expectations or demands

how to identify internet relationship scam

Online Dating Scams: How to Tell If You Are Being Baited by a Catfish

It’s easy for some of the smartest people to lose all sight of common sense when they're being reeled in by a catfish: an online imposter who tries to win your sympathy — and your love — by creating an elaborate scheme. Award-winning technology reporter Kurt Knutsson, known around the country as Kurt the CyberGuy, shares his top ten reality checks to see if you’re being baited by a catfish. 

If you identify with at least two of the below scenarios, Knutsson says you could be falling prey to a scam artist. 


1. Dumb Date Data 
Physical descriptions need to be proportional. For example, someone who is 6-feet tall usually does not weigh 90 lbs. Look for any other descriptions that don’t add up to the profile photo. 

Tip: Ask them to take a photo holding a unique phrase or their own name on it and send it to you. Ask to have a live video talk using Skype or Facetime. Most of today’s smartphones, tablets and laptops come equipped with a built-in camera and/or video. Someone reluctant to speak on live video, claiming shyness or that they can’t find a camera, should be a red flag. 

2. Profile Picture Test 
Professional photos are a red flag. Look for amateur photos — and more than one. Tip: Use a Google Goggles search on your phone to see if the photo they’ve shared with you can be spotted elsewhere online. If you see it shown with a watermark or in other settings like modeling websites, it’s likely a fake. 

3. Become a Photo Detective 
“This just takes it to the next level,” Knutsson says. Look for detail in photos — wedding rings, locations, activities, time of day, how they are dressed — to see if it matches. Someone claiming that a photo is from a July 4th fireworks party, who is dressed in a fur coat, in daylight, might be a dead giveaway that someone is lying. 

Tip: Using a free inspection service that shows the location and time that a photo was originally taken can shed light on a photo liar. 

4. Cut and Paste Profile Alert 
Introductory letters on dating websites are often copied by catfish scammers. See if the same information appears in other places or has been copied from someone else by searching for it online. Out-of-country scams often slip up here, revealing inconsistent information such as landmarks and cultural events that don’t add up. For example, someone claiming to be from St. Louis who isn’t familiar with the iconic Gateway Arch when questioned is likely a liar. 

5. Spelling and Grammar Fail 
Hear the words when you read their writing, and check their spelling and grammar. A line that sounds like it could be from someone in a far-off country but portraying themselves to be in your same city will usually have a local dialect misfire. 

Real: “I just love the Macy’s Day Parade in the city.” 
Foreign Faker: “I just love the Masey’s Daytime Parades in the cities.” 

6. Derailing You from the Dating Site 
Red flags should be raised if, right off the bat, they want to get you to instant message or email, taking you off of the dating site where you originally met. 

Tip: Always create and use a unique email address that is different than your personal and professional addresses when setting up a dating website profile. 

7. Too Serious, Too Soon
Watch out for someone rushing things. A catfish usually makes the first move, often out of left field and sometimes creates a bogus, dreamy profile that sounds like the ideal mate you’ve described in your own dating desires. They play on your sympathy and strike when you are the most vulnerable — caught up in the romance and emotional. 

8. Ask a Lot of Questions
Inquire about where they are from, and verify landmarks and spellings of cities online. Blatant errors could mean it’s a scam. Catfishers like to ask you a lot of questions, but seldom let you go deep into their lives, coming up with excuses about why they are reluctant to offer more personal information about themselves. For example, they might say, “I’ve been hurt before by telling too much too soon,” which actually turns the tables on you to prove that you can be trusted — Red flag! 

9. You Are Not an ATM Machine 
If they ask for money, lock them out of your life. Shut off communication immediately, and close all open doors if you have a hint that it is a sympathy scam. Although most catfishers are not after money, this one should be a wake-up call to a scam. 

10. Facebook Fakers 
At this point, if someone has no Facebook page, but they are sophisticated enough to create an online dating profile, be warned. Also look out for potential fake Facebook pages.

Signs of a fake Facebook profile can include the fact that the Facebook page was started near the same time that a dating profile elsewhere was established, if few photos are posted, or if there are no people tagged in their photos to show a connection in a relationship. 

If they are on Twitter, read through historic tweets to see if the story they tell matches up to the same the person you are prospectively dating. Like Facebook, Twitter accounts created around the same time as dating profiles should be treated with caution.